Maple Leafs Open Retirement Residence to House Former Cup Winners

Toronto ONT.

MLSE head Keith Pelley announced today that the Maple Leafs will open a long term care facility in the GTA to prepare for the arrival of a number of former stars. With the NHL salary cap finally set to rise substantially over the next few seasons, the mega-conglomerate desperately needs all the income it can muster, and this extra revenue will help ensure MLSE is able to spend to the cap and continue providing the same rewarding experience fans have come to know and love over the core four era.

As Friisdahl stated, this "Seemed like a natural fit. If nothing else we’re known for our leadership stepping up in pivotal circumstances and these gentleman deserve to be looked after in the finest manner for their contributions to the organisation. After all, why should Gaylen Weston be the only one to take advantage of the elderly?” This will also allow some savings to be passed on to fans with ticket prices being raised merely 10.5% instead of the usual 12%.

            Their infamous Cup drought has persisted since 1967 and like residence will soon be applying for CPP. Each suite will be fully furnished and include a black and white CRT TV to help residents fully recapture their glory, IV bag complete with name and jersey number as well as a donated jersey that has been recently tossed on the ice at Scotiabank Arena to ensure they're properly attired for games.

            In an added benefit the marketing team alongside beloved mascot Carleton the Bear, will double as councillors for those struggling with their mental faculties as they have decades of experience dealing with individuals suffering from delusion. The ribbon cutting is expected to take place in September, and take only slightly longer than their average pregame ceremony.