New Pontiff From Only Nation Capable of Handling Such a Divisive Task

Rome

After the second most dramatic Conclave of the last year, the Vatican elected its first American Pontiff, Pope Leo XIV. As many Americans when they settle into a new country, he promptly set about instituting some new measures to make himself more comfortable. Hailing originally from Chicago, one of his first acts was to introduce deep dish style pizza in the cafeteria, blasphemous as the Italian Cardinals deemed this. (Though several noted "at least it’s not Greek.”) Up next on the agenda was to ensure all holy water will be tinted green for St. Patrick’s Day. When asked if he felt this may offend some traditionalists, he quipped that as a Bears fan, "he’s not overly familiar with offence."

He will also pay homage to his home town by ditching the iconic Popemobile in favour of the more stylish 1974 Dodge Monaco with original 8 track . There will also be a monthly screening of John Hughes films in St. Peter's Square alongside a newly crafted Michael Jordan statue. As he draped his new garments over his Ferguson Jenkins jersey for the first time, he assured the gathered media that he was fully prepared for the task at hand. “Growing up in Chicago, there was nothing we focused more on than understanding & conflict resolution.” Acknowledging that these are trying times, he vowed to continue the work of his predecessor, though perhaps be more selective with whom his officially meets. While some in his native country were outright livid with his criticism of MAGA, specifically his stance on immigration. his Holiness was not so concerned. "I've heard their concerns and I can assure them that the borders are no more wide open than their minds."