Trump Assures Voters Maduro was Only Brought to US for Mar-Lago Timeshare Presentation

As the new year dawned, and his prestiguous FIFA Peace Prize glittered on a golden shelf in the Oval Office, President Trump decided an unsanctioned late night raid and the capture of the President of Venezuela was just the thing to unite a fractured nation. After all, he was elected as a man of action, who inherently knew what was best, eschweing the knowledge and experience of those more qualified.

He had tried such skillful diplomatic means as illegally seizing a tanker full of oil, and threats of invasion. What else could there have been do to reach some matter of peace? "We reached out in good faith to President Maduro, but there was little reasoning from the other side. After all, they have our oil." Noted Press Secretay Karoline Leviatt, amdist rambling deflections from how their oil got there in the first palce. Why wasn't congress briefed on these matters? "Such expertise only hinders his foresight. And, for the security of our nation, he ought not be bothered with such pesky formalities as congressional approval."

Now, while there are certainly many issues in Venezuela, it was incumbent the US take a nuanced and pragmatic approach to dealing with them. Obviously this is why unlawful military action was best suited. When pressed as to the validity of this decision, White House officals maintain this whole situation has been "Misrepresented by the lame stream media", as such actions would be "unbefitting of the man recently robbed of the Nobel Peace Prize."

This raid was undertaken under the guise of elemanating drug trafficking, but assurances were made to Don Jr. that his personal supply was under no major threat, his father having recently realease another such convict, which in no way should spark rumours of hypocracy.

In a case of definitely not saying the quiet part out loud, the Press Secretary remakred “He has acecces to plenty of oil money, for us to invest.” Asked if this decision to invade an oil producing nation was similar to the exact playbook of previous republican administrarions, she noted "Not in any of the histry textbooks we've authorized."